


Holy Cow!

by ImfictionWriting



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Bracelet Bros, Chloe likes it when her boys get along, Dan Espinoza & Lucifer Morningstar Friendship, Friendly Jokes with Friends, Funny, Gen, Humor, I hope, One True Bromance, Part A, Post-Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:06:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26102404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImfictionWriting/pseuds/ImfictionWriting
Summary: Workplace teasing among friends now that Dan is 'in the know.'  Chloe approves.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 15
Kudos: 194





	Holy Cow!

**Author's Note:**

> Lucifer TV Show Characters not mine. Just having fun.
> 
> All constructive criticism will be thoughtfully considered with a great deal of thanks in advance.  
> Please tell me of any and all oopsies. 
> 
> I do hope someone finds this entertaining.

They were all at a crime scene the first time it happened. 

An ordinary house in an ordinary street. Pretty average for a murder suicide, Lucifer thought. There was someone who had been murdered, then there was the coward who did the murdering that had then shot themselves in the face. Easy. Solved. Next.

Lucifer was more interested in the enticing bowl of Liquorice Allsorts on the coffee table. Lucifer would have indulged if not for the blood and likely brain splatter intermingled among the sweets. He loved liquorice. Liquorice, licorice, regaliz, lacritzi, liquirizia – all spellings, all languages and all things flavored with it. Oh and aniseed, anything anise flavored. Mmm Sambuca, Pernod, Ouzo, Anisette, ...Absinthe... 

It was fair to say that Lucifer was thinking of more interesting things than an obviously already solved murder when it started.

“Holy Shit!” Said a random uniformed officer as they entered the room and surveyed the carnage. They immediately turned around and left again to gather their wits. And to empty their stomachs. Maybe. Probably. Likely. 

Lucifer heard retching in the distance. Definitely.

Dan, inured to terrible scenes after so many years a Detective, was half-kneeling down near the first body. He frowned and raised his eyebrow in thought a moment. He must have come to a realization because a moment later he was biting his lower lip and attempting to squash a smirk looking up at Lucifer.

“What...?” Lucifer asked, puzzled by the reaction. 

Dan's eyes were shining with mirth at this stage. “Is that a thing?”

“Whatever are you prattling on about now, Detective Douche?” 

That barb no longer stung, but it didn't stop Dan from rolling his eyes. “Holy Shit. Is that a thing?” Dan said teasingly.

Lucifer stared at the kneeling man a moment longer than mortals would usually find comfortable. 'That is funny.' Lucifer thought. 'Well done, Daniel.' Just as Daniel's smile started to falter Lucifer said, “No comment.” 

Lucifer left the room to go find his Detective to the sounds of Dan giggling to himself quietly. 

Dan's teasing continued over the next few weeks, Lucifer thought he would doff his hat to the man, if he had one. Dan had played this game expertly and stylishly.

\---

The next time Dan made him laugh they were returning to the scene of a crime. 

There was always another crime to solve which kept things interesting, Lucifer thought. Best when they weren't immediately glaringly obvious though. The body had been dispatched to the coroner days ago. Time diminishing the coppery odor of blood which would now be conveniently dry and crusty making it altogether a much more pleasant room to revisit. They would first have to navigate the foyer with Misty, the receptionist. 'Lusty Busty' Misty, as Chloe had dubbed her after the first visit. An artificially enhanced tiger who wouldn't accept 'never, ever' for an answer. From either Lucifer or Daniel. There was also three flights of dreadfully drab gray-carpeted stairs to overcome. Not an elevator in sight .

This time it was murder with a side of embezzlement with a lovely dessert of adultery swallowed down with a spot of fraud. The best kind of fraud, Lucifer thought. The sort that made the best drama. Fraud of the misattributed paternity kind.

It was a juicy case of cross and double cross. Lucifer was completely delighted by the twists and turns in the case that was evolving daily. He had been eager to accompany The Detective and Daniel as they questioned the witnesses, likely potential perpetrator among them. They were just outside the building where the deceased had been discovered for a second set of interviews when it happened again, Daniel had 'won the joke'. 

Lucifer attributed his lack of suspicion to his eagerness of solving the case. They were walking though the open breezeway that joined the two buildings when he was tricked. That and The Detective was in front of them wearing delightfully tight-fitting pants again. It was one of those situations where Lucifer was happy to use the word 'pants' in his head because from both a British English and an American English perspective, both usages applied. He had witnessed his lovely Detective putting on said 'pants', and yes, lovely.

“Lucifer! Wait just a second.” Dan said from behind him. Lucifer stopped and turned around to have Dan brushing at something on his left shoulder.

“What, ...what is it?”

“I thought I saw a bug or something on your neck a moment ago.” 

Dan stepped back. Lucifer brushed at his neck and shoulder a moment before looking back at Daniel. That was when he should have seen it coming.

“Never mind, it was just a Mole.” Dan waited a beat for the full impact “Holy Moly?” 

Dan started, ...cackling would be the best word to describe it and Lucifer stopped and stared before growling sub vocally and taking a half step forward.

Chloe had been walking ahead looking at her phone. She turned around to ask what was taking them so long and saw Dan hands up in a 'surrender' position laughing so hard he had tears rolling down his face and Lucifer looking 'Lucifery'. Chloe sighed, it was great they were getting along again and back to the teasing, but they were both going to strain something in their effort to 'one up' each other.

“Hey Guys, don't break each other before we solve the case.”

Lucifer stepped back and tugged on his cuffs before giving one final threatening stare to The Douche and walking forward to step up to The Detective. Dan a step behind. 

“Holy Moly, Chloe, we were just talking.” Dan said smirking again. Loving the alliteration, he'd have to remember that.

Chloe looked between Dan's smirk and Lucifer's seemingly unimpressed face. She looked to Lucifer's eyes. His eyes expressing all to her. She could tell he was amused as well by whatever was going on. 

Chloe smiled. “Come on, lets go figure out who the real Baby-Daddy is.”

“And likely murderer.” Lucifer added. 'Well played, Douche.' He thought to himself.

\---

Dan kept the joke on the back burner, watching and waiting. It had to be the right moment, when Lucifer least expected it or it wouldn't have as much impact. Having grown up with brothers, Dan had learned it was necessary to make sure a joke hit hardest when least expected. It involved letting obvious moments pass and ignoring obvious digs. They were given a case to solve, a homicide that occurred in a burned down church. They soon learned it was targeted by an arsonist. Holy Smokes! It was a challenge not add that into a conversation. Dan was proud of himself that he didn't even blink or twitch when he read out a list of possible target churches which included the Hosanna Christian Church. He could feel Lucifer's eyes boring into his, but he just maintained a straight face. Holy Hosanna, that was hard! 

But Dan waited. And Lucifer was lulled into thinking it was over.

\---

Lucifer surveyed the scene, a garden center with a body between the towers of terracotta on one side and fruit trees lined up in black plastic pots on the other. A casual glance at the Hand Fork that was planted (pun intended) into the poor woman's chest, price tag swinging in the breeze pointed to a crime of passion and opportunity. The garden fork wasn't very deep, the perpetrator likely learning that it took a great deal of force to achieve their goal with a simple garden fork. They had instead turned to 'Plan B', the implement that had done the deed, a large terracotta pot repeatedly smashed against the poor woman's head. Until she was dead.

Lucifer looked to the dead woman's name tag and and rolled his eyes just as Daniel stepped up next to him, eyes sparkling and about to open his mouth to speak. But this time The Devil was faster. Quicker. Better. Best.

“Yes, yes Daniel, I get it.”

“Get what?” 

“Holy Hannah, you were going to say 'Holy Hannah', given that was the poor unfortunate soul's name.” Lucifer was smug in the knowledge he wouldn't be beat this time.

Dan took a step back, hand to his heart in outrage. “Lucifer, this is an active crime scene!” His voice raised, “There is a body in front of us, I would never say something like that or joke about a victim because of their name!”

Lucifer looked at Dan a moment longer and narrowed his eyes. “What were you going to say then?” 

“Oh I was just going to say 'look'!” Dan pointed over Lucifer's head to the ceiling of the large industrial shed. Lucifer turned to look. At the hanging sign pointing the way to 'Fertilizers and Manure's' a smaller sign under stating 'L.A.'s Best Crap'. Lucifer narrowed his eyes and scowled. “Holy Crap!” Dan started laughing behind him. Lucifer joined him.

This day The Devil had been bettered and bested by The Douche.  
\---

The next day Dan found a small plastic tub labeled 'Garlic Avocado Spread' and a small packet of rice crackers on his desk. He looked up puzzled as to why someone would leave that. Dan was more of a salsa man. He looked around the precinct and quickly made eye contact with Lucifer who was lounging against the wall.

“Holy Guacamole, Daniel.” Said with a straight face before he grinned and stood up, heading towards Ella's lab. 

Dan laughed and opened the pack of crackers. He sent a text to Lucifer one handed, while he chewed on a salty cracker. 

-Good one Lucifer well played

\---  
Two days later, thanks to fast shipping, there was a small box on Chloe's desk addressed to Lucifer with a tag saying 'so you'll leave my Dad mug alone'. 

Lucifer was puzzled until he saw inside was a mug, a cartoon picture of a cow on the front with a Halo over it's head. Lucifer grinned and went to the kitchenette to get some coffee.

**Author's Note:**

> 'Holy Mackerel' is my personal favourite, it was too difficult to weave it into the story though. So, what did you think?
> 
> Also 'Holy Moly, Chloe' - say it three times quickly - Ha!


End file.
